My Offbeat World

Some People Just State The Obvious – Why?

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I was sent an anecdote that I thought was just classic, and it highlights the fact that some people can’t help themselves, they just need to state the obvious. And you shake your head and wonder at why.

So here it is and unfortunately I cannot give kudos to the originator because I have know idea who it is. But thank you for the chuckle.

At the supermarket, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty  Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up  in  the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and  simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is  nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. 

I told her no,  it was because I’d been sitting in the middle of the road licking my  dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch…why else would I buy dog food?

Now this brought to mind an incident that happened when Val and I were in Toowoomba the other day. A bus  driver drove  way to close into the pickup spot, hit the  roof of the shelter and knocked the rear view mirror off the bus.

 Some guy virtually ran from up the road, over to the driver and said  to him ” You drove in a bit too close there mate”.

I just had to say ‘Well I’m sure  glad your here, I don’t thing the driver  realised that until you told him’.  

Talk about stating the obvious. Of couse the driver knew he had hit the roof of the shelter because apart from the metal graunching noise,  the  enormous rear view mirror with its mounting was lying on the ground smashed to bits.

Will I Live To Be A 100????? More Humour

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either.

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then, why do you care?”

What Do You Do All Day???

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human-touch-massage-chairEvery now and then this does the rounds and its always good for a smile.
And remember sometimes you just have to sit back put your feet up and live in the moment. And what could be better to relax in than the The Human Touch Massage Chair.

So here it is:–

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the hall, he found the coat hanger been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, and the fridge door was wide open.

Dog food was spilled all over the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?’

‘Yes,’ was his incredulous reply.

She answered,  ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’