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My Offbeat World

Humor

Will I Live To Be A 100????? More Humour

January 20, 2009 //  Leave a Comment

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either.

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then, why do you care?”

Category: HumourTag: Humor, will I live to be 100. humour

Twenty Nine Lines To make You Smile

January 21, 2008 //  Leave a Comment

Today my daughter sent me these 29 lines of humorous lines and so I thought I would share them with you.

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t .
2
.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3..
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4..
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .
5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6..
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
8..
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9..
I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes .
11..
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13..
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14..
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16..
Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music .
27..
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28.. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
29.. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Category: HumourTag: Humor, things to make you smile, twenty nine lines to make you smile

Celibacy, Imposed or by Choice

April 27, 2007 //  Leave a Comment

There are many aspects of human sexuality that are very puzzling. Take celibacy for instance.This can be a conscious choice made in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

Robert and Sarah were attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend. The instructor declared that: “It is essential that husbands and wives know about the things that are important to each other.”

The instructor addressed the men. “Can you each name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?”

Robert leaned over, touched Sarah’s arm gently and whispered, “Self raising, isn’t it?”

Thus began Robert’s life of celibacy…..

Category: HumourTag: celibacy imposed or by choice, Humor, Humour

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