My Offbeat World

Some Offbeat Health Advice for Women

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Do you suffer from feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc   

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.   

It can help ease you out of shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.   

You will notice benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent   you from living the life you want to live.    

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.    

Stop hiding and start living!    

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. 

  • Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it 
  • However, women who wouldn’t mind  being becoming pregnant and nursing are encouraged to try  it.. 

 Side effects may include… 

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting,  incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss  of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of  grandeur, table dancing,  headache,  dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play  all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare and Naked  Twister. 

 WARNINGS: 

  • The consumption  of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when  you are not  
  •  The consumption  of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and  over again that you love them  
  •  The consumption  of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can  sing 
  • The consumption  of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse  enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without  spitting 
  • The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher,  smarter,  faster and better looking than most  people 

 Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit! 

 Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir…

This Years Stella Awards

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For those who aren’t aware of what the Stella Awards are about,  they are named after 79-year-old Stella L.

This is the lady who spilled hot coffee on herself and yet she successfully sued McDonald’s in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. You wouldn’t expect to get burned doing that, right!

You got it:  these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. These are the sort of cases and judgements that make you wonder what the hell were they thinking.

So here are the Stella Awards for the past year: 
 
7 th PLACE :

Was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running around inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son! 
  
6 th PLACE :

CT 19, of Los Angeles , California was awarded $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. He apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps!
 
 
5 th PLACE :
 
TD, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for TD, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when TD pulled it shut. Forced to sit for  EIGHT days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.
 
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay TD $500,000 for his anguish.
 
Hang in there, it just keeps getting better.

 4th PLACE :
 
JW of Little Rock , Arkansas , was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard.

JW did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle may have been provoked at the time Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
  
3rd PLACE :
 
AC of Lancaster , Pennsylvania  

A  jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor – Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

2 nd PLACE:
 
KW of Claymont , Delaware
KW sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. At the time of the accident KW was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 – plus dental expenses.

And now for the doozy of them all.

1 st PLACE :

This year’s First Place Stella Award goes to Mrs. MG, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.

On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Mrs. MG sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set.

What is surprising is that the Oklahoma jury awarded her, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. MG has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

I am amazed that these idiots received compensation for their own stupidity and negligence.



 

Some People Just State The Obvious – Why?

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I was sent an anecdote that I thought was just classic, and it highlights the fact that some people can’t help themselves, they just need to state the obvious. And you shake your head and wonder at why.

So here it is and unfortunately I cannot give kudos to the originator because I have know idea who it is. But thank you for the chuckle.

At the supermarket, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty  Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up  in  the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and  simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is  nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. 

I told her no,  it was because I’d been sitting in the middle of the road licking my  dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch…why else would I buy dog food?

Now this brought to mind an incident that happened when Val and I were in Toowoomba the other day. A bus  driver drove  way to close into the pickup spot, hit the  roof of the shelter and knocked the rear view mirror off the bus.

 Some guy virtually ran from up the road, over to the driver and said  to him ” You drove in a bit too close there mate”.

I just had to say ‘Well I’m sure  glad your here, I don’t thing the driver  realised that until you told him’.  

Talk about stating the obvious. Of couse the driver knew he had hit the roof of the shelter because apart from the metal graunching noise,  the  enormous rear view mirror with its mounting was lying on the ground smashed to bits.